That door is closed.

Yesterday I heard back from the HR contact at the company that the positions I had inquired about were either put on hold or filled. It’s clear the bottom line here is my contributions aren’t really valued by the company I’m working for whether it’s my age or gender or both.

So, given that I just don’t know what’s going to be happening soon.

I do know I need a source of income and I do keep applying to things but I’m still very worried. Worry doesn’t do one a lot of good but I am discouraged nonetheless…

When I started this at the beginning of November, there was no clear indication of what would happen when my contract was up at the end of the year. At one point, when I was talking about whether or not I would be attending the Christmas Party with the two other PMs on my brand I made it clear it was something I didn’t really think made sense because it was fake in a way…

It would be fake knowing that my status was up in the air and it seemed regardless of how well I did or didn’t do my job, no one really cared.

Shortly after that conversation, I got a call for a meeting with two people and they told me I was being reupped. I have to think the people I was talking to said something that led to the rather immediate meeting happening shortly after that conversation.

So, I get to work for another year… and mind you I’m happy for it. Not happy that I still have to work but happy that I have income to pay my bills.

It’s really time though to cash in on some things and make those bills disappear.

A New Year is about to happen and everyone does naval gazing around this time to figure out where the year went wrong for them. In the scheme of years there were a lot of things that really went right for me considering that I came into the year without any work at all, falling deeper into a hole and getting freelance and then being called back to my old gig.

I lost a body part too this year but in the scheme of things again, I’ll take it. I made it through.

On the flip side if I’m going to be upset about anything then it would be not really getting much accomplished in terms of organizing and cleaning and clearing the decks. There are personal goals I should be pushing towards and I haven’t because of my own laziness.

And I call it laziness too because my expectations for myself never really diminish. I haven’t been doing the things I want to do in terms of my own creativity. I haven’t been drawing or writing the way I should be to accomplish those goals either.

I have stories to tell… the thing is they need to stop bouncing around the inside of my skull and get written down and out into the world.